Just One More Day

Hear my truth as I cry out
Don’t go
It’s lonely out there

I want you to stay
Just one more day
I lie

The endless searching
Exhausting

The ease and comfort
Of your touch
It did not come

Still I beg
You are my drug
Make my pain go away

My mind is racing
My nerves in shock
Emotional detox

I want you to stay
Just one more day
I lie

I can’t see tomorrow
The fear
My breath stops

Never again?
This I can’t comprehend

The weight of this pain
I’ve felt it before
Just once more

I see now I’m sick
The obsession
On my own
I cannot Kick

I want you to stay
Just one more day
I lie

It’ll be different this time
Never Again
Goodbye

Wait

Tagged with:
Posted in Daily Post, Poetry

Take a Look Around You

70% of men are just like you. Take a look around, now I want you to think of me!

It is I who holds the power, friend request accepted, text messages received.

Starts with a simple enough “hi, how are you” it will end with them inside of me.

Think of me when you get the next message, the one you wouldn’t want me to see.

Take a look around you and you will think of me.

For now it’s just a thought brought on by pain and misery. My thoughts I know I must watch because the could become your reality.

Think of me and look around you, now tell me what you see. It is I who holds the power to bring you pain and misery.

70% of men are just like you unwilling to resist a women like me.

How’s that for a big fat fuck you now have a drink on me. Pour my pain inside you and hold onto this memory. It is I who holds the power to end this suffering.

50% of women are just like me they are prey to pretty things. Think of this when you’re inside her and then think of me.

I’ve used my sex for less, to get what I need, so take a look around you and try not to think of me!

Posted in Daily Post

Monsoon Anew

heart-rain

I’ve died a hundred times for you
Half by your very hand.
I will die a thousand more.

I’ve cried a monsoon of tears for you.
Washing away in the current the years of pain, joy, spirit.
Leaving nothing but a dry soul, clean soul, yearning soul.

I’ve lost myself to you, in you.
Sometimes slowly like a lazy river that has yet to dry up.
Slowly digging in and moving everything in its way.
DESTRUCTIVE, UNSTOPPABLE, BEAUTIFUL.

I  gave myself to you with such ease, without reason, completely.
I’ve loved you like no other, felt love by you like no other.

I’ve experienced such loving grace from you
Have felt that I’m all that mattered.
Have heard from your lips to my ears everything a girl in love can imagine.
Seen in your eyes what I took for truth
The words that flow from your mouth.

At moments through time my breathe wont catch.
My chest is tight with fear my thoughts full of fear.
My inability to let go of the pain.
To replay your actions that scream so loudly
Actions that don’t match the movement of your lips
Or the words that tumble into my ears.

I’ve tried so many times to ignore the spite tumbling from your eyes.
To shut my heart that you hold in your.
To not die one more time in vain.
To not destroy again.

I’ve felt so much hate.
No room for love in such an ugly place.
I’ve killed you time and time again.
Acted with such fierce determination
My thoughts, my actions scare me.

Have you died a hundred times for me, because of me.
Will you die a thousand times more?
Are you willing to weep a river of tears for me and still see the beauty in it all?

Can you move your lips and whisper all the truth in my ear.
Will your actions match the words that stream from your mouth.
Will I be able to see truth in your eyes, to feel love in your arms.

My soul is stirring, searching, cleansing itself from the past.
My heart is making room for love
Is willing to die again if only for a moment it could feel what it once knew to be true.

Posted in Daily Post, Poetry

Letters to myself

I cannot enjoy that which I’m trying to control and even while knowing this to be true in my heart my diseased brain does not function normally when it comes to you. I’m stuck in self at the expense of both of our desire for happiness. I have moments that come where my part is so clear. The clarity is painful and yet I still want to believe it is not true, the undoing of us is not true. I question where I might have managed better. I want to scream and yell at myself and yet I know deep down this is my way of playing the victim. Of taking ownership of actions that are not all mine. I still feel the need to protect you. If I make it my fault then forgiving you is easier. I’ve taken this responsibility all on my own and have robbed you of the experience of consequence.

Inside I scream at God, why? Under all the noise in my head I listen for an answer. My prayers for you are “please don’t die, please don’t die, please don’t die.” I don’t trust God to take care of you. In actuality I’m so bent on getting what I want that I try to play God. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can only see this once it is too late, that my fear of losing you to this thing I have no control over pushes you away. I would run to. I do run. I run to play the lead role of victim. This is a crushing blow.

Posted in Uncategorized

To the Girl in the Pool

letting go

Looking back what would I say to the girl in the pool? I can remember the day pretty clearly. I was just about to turn 17 and newly in love. It was the first time I seen you in a vulnerable place. I didn’t know you were struggling. We stayed in the pool and I recall feeling like I could fix you, I could keep you safe. I felt in that moment like we were sharing something more then surface emotions together. This felt real, I loved you even more in that moment.

I found in you something I had not had before. Our relationship was still new and I trusted that with you I would be safe. I only picked up bits and pieces of what was wrong and with why your family had called you over. What they were saying didn’t match up with how you behaved around me. Was this just the beginning of a 20 year relationship that only shared half truths? Neither of us could have predicted it. I was still naive and of the mind that if you struggled with something all you had to do was make your mind up for it to be different. You just “stopped” whatever it was giving you issues and heartache, besides I was all you needed. I would love you through it.

We stayed in that pool for what felt like hours, embraced, touching, intimate, playful, together, in love. I can still see you with your arms wrapped around me. You were beautiful to me, perfect in that moment. I felt safe in your strong arms and the way you looked at me made me feel connected and alive.

What would I say to that girl in the pool so in love with this beautiful man who was struggling? I can’t find the words. In those moments it seemed possible to grow together. I was still so sure that love was “enough” to get through the tough times. That girl in the pool would not know to listen. That love is not about fixing someone, that just because you make your mind up to change doesn’t mean you will be able to. Could I tell her that it was a sign of things to come?

The girl in the pool was blindsided, she had no idea there was a problem. He had not told her or shared what he was going through, too consumed with herself she didn’t see.  Can I tell her this would be the basis of the relationship for the next 20 years of their life?

Could I tell her that two people damaged or hurt do not make for a whole person. That it takes more then one whole person to have a relationship.

Maybe I could whisper “you can’t fix him” but she would not believe me. The best I could say is “just remember to let go when it’s time!”

 

 

 

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Posted in Writing 101 Challenge

Bricks and Chains

bricks and chains

Your silence is deafening
Your actions so loud
My search for understanding
clouded and still not found

In desperation I cry out “final answer?”
Your ears can’t hear a sound
No words to release me
Together in misery we are bound

Too afraid to hear the truth
My cry was in silence
No chance for you to answer
The words I could not bear

Lay your lies like bricks around me
Give me shelter from the pain
Stop my heart from breaking
Just make it go away

Past the point of trying
I call it running away
We both deserve better
Unfair to live this way

Your need to just move forward
Keeps me paralyzed in fear
To move on in life without me
Both exhausted from all the tears

Let me wrap my lies around you
Keep you chained from running away
My touch that used to fix you
No longer dulls the pain

I can’t picture life without you
Can no longer live this way

Lay your lies like bricks around me
Give me shelter from the pain
Let me wrap my lies around you
Keep you chained from running away

Posted in Dark Words, Poetry

Caged

large-bird-cages-for-sale-market-expands

I’ve chained myself to the cage I’ve locked you in. This is not love. Love does not issue a cage nor a leash, not pure love, unconditional love.

I created this cage of protection thinking I know what’s best, that I can save you from yourself. I can’t. I keep you locked up as a hostage and feel hurt that you resist, I mask it as love and patience but you know the truth.

The fear of you escaping keeps me leashed to a burden I’m not equipped to handle. I get resentful. This is madness, this is control.This is not love.

To be fair I didn’t build this cage on purpose and I’ve only just discovered it’s presence. I’m ashamed.

Tagged with: , ,
Posted in Musings
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